Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
