I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
