How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
