If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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