my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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