Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
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