Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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