Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's blow job season.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
