How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
