Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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