There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
