i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
