I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I touched a dick in church today
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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