Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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