People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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