clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
