mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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