You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
