The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
