I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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