i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
