My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
