this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
