i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
