I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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