And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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