Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
