Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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