I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Randomize
