Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
