Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
