mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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