all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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