Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
