i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
