I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
