My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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