I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
