listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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