There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
