I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
