did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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