I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
In America we eat man semen.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize