I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize