The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
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