im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
