I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
