Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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