You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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