Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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