If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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