I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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