first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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