Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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