Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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