Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
