I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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