if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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