the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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