Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
