Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
