I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i dont even know how to be here
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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