you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
A+ Viking dick
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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