I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
