i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
