I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
