I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Randomize
