Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize