I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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