Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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