look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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